


The Plaid Bandits

by GrumpyQueer



Category: Ripper Street
Genre: 80s AU, Arizona - Freeform, Biker Gangs, Crack, F/M, M/M, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M, ripper street - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyQueer/pseuds/GrumpyQueer
Summary: A short, cracky AU set in the early 1980s, Arizona.Big Ed and Homer are rival gang leaders, fighting over a certain lady.





	The Plaid Bandits

Though Homer knew _plenty_  about his rival gang leader, Big Ed, they had not yet, at least, crossed paths. The leader of The Plaid Bandits, and his infamously ruthless right-hand man, Benito, had recently extended their radius of operation into claimed territory, but Homer knew his chances of making it out of a conflict with Big Ed and his men alive were, slim, at best. Those burly, beefcakes were known for their bludgeoning and brutality, for taking no prisoners. No one messed with The Plaid Bandits. No one! 

Tempted as Homer were to lay down the law that this was  _his_  turf they were now playing on, he resisted for many months, favouring his longevity over a futile, inevitably fatal row. Resisted until  _now_ , that is…

‘What the goddamn hell do you mean she was seen riding downtown with him?!”

The Smokey Reaper’s youngest member — Dickie Hobbs — beared the bad news. He looked sickly as he shuddered in fear under the gurgling rage in his leader’s voice. ‘She… she was seen with her arms about his waist, riding passenger and smiling proud. She even had a plaid bandana on, boss, matching Big Ed’s.’

Empty bottles of liquor were thrown and kicked in Homer’s rage, the gang’s, hazy, smoked-filled den sprinkling with the sharp shards. The clinking of pool balls ceased, his men pausing around the green, dimly lit table, gazing up at him as he continued to smash everything in sight. ACDC’s ‘Hells Bells’ thundered from the stereo system, until Homer grabbed that, too, lifting it up over his head and smashing it down into the bar. He grunted and kicked until pausing to watch his knuckles ooze with fresh blood, gritting his teeth and catching his breath.

‘Do we… do we take ‘em, boss? Go and blow his brains out?’

‘No!’ Homer growled, shoving a cigarette into his mouth. ‘This one is just between me and Big Ed. That son of a bitch sneaks onto my turf,  _and_  steals my wife? He’s gonna goddamn pay!’  

Before his men could answer, Homer stomped out into the street and jumped onto his Harley, thrusting his dusty black leather boot downwards and kick-starting the motor into a lively, guttural roar.  
  


***   
  
Behind a rusty old, run-down gas station, The Plaid Bandits stood around their parked Harley’s, drinking and yahooing, counting cash and playing cards. The day’s light had begun to fade over the valley, the occasional cactus silhouetting against the peach and purple sunset, reaching skyward with slim, prickly fingers. No other souls could be seen along the straight road dividing the desert, tufts of dry tussock lining where tar melted into the red dirt, a spindly tumbleweed passing them by. The breeze was gentle, and warm. 

Big Ed and Suzie held in close embrace, their hands wrapped around each other’s leather jackets, kissing and cuddling as the rest of the gang continued to cause a ruckus. A neon light overhead for the nearby rest stop diner flicked on as the sun continued to sink, humming gently and attracting a hovering swarm of small, lethargic bugs.

‘Be careful when he comes for you…’ Suzie whispered into her new lover’s neck, the neon pinks cascading across their faces. ‘He may not be a big man, in  _any_ respect, but he has a ferocious ego and rage to match.’

Big Ed kissed her forehead and smiled fearlessly, until turning his head, distracted by the sound of a lone, chugging roar echoing towards them; a small dot was approaching from the horizon — and fast. ‘No doubt, that is him on his way to place a bullet between my eyes. Let him try.’

In a flash, Homer’s motorbike skidded right up to them, thick, throaty smoke and burnt tyre filling the air. He jumped off, brandishing his shotgun, aiming it straight for Big Ed.

‘Get the hell away from my woman, you son of a bitch!’

‘ _Excuse me_!?’ Suzie sneered, flicking her cigarette into the dust.

‘ _Your_  woman? I am  _no one’s_  woman, you fool, and you know full well why I went elsewhere. Don’t play so innocent, Homer Jackson. How many women was it you betrayed me with? 10? 20?’

Big Ed eased his hands down from Suzie’s waist, stepping forward towards the outstretched shotgun without a flinch. ‘So  _this_  is Homer Jackson of The Smokey Reapers.’ The clanking of his leather jacket chains beated like a drum with each slow step he took towards his rival. Behind, his gang were stood at the ready, ciggies dangling from mouths, guns in hand, and a knife clenched between Benito’s teeth — long, tight curls swaying by his cheeks, and thick eyeliner emphasising the fierce loyalty in his pale eyes. ‘You give the word, boss, and we’ll blow this joker to smithereens!’

The gang jeered at Homer until their boss stopped just mere centimetres away from the shotgun’s barrel, the blackened metal nearly skimming Big Ed’s chest. ‘Cheating on your woman?’ Ed squinted down at him. ‘Well, man!? What’s that all about, then?’   
  
Homer stammered as their eyes connected, truly at a loss for words. Why hadn’t he shot this bastard by now? ‘ _Just pull the trigger…_ ’ But butterflies twirled in his stomach. His heart thrummed in his chest. He shuffled in his stance awkwardly, giddy and love-struck, involuntarily fluttering his eyelashes and staring at Big Ed’s giant handlebar moustache that was so much bigger than his own. 

‘That’s not how you treat a lady, now, is it? But luckily, for you, I think you’ll find she still loves you, yet.’

Homer slackened his grip on the gun, looking at his wife, who shrugged back at him in resignation and grinned. Her hair was big and boofy, frozen with hairspray. ‘It is true. What can I say? I fall for stupid men — you  _and_  Big Ed, and I will  _not_  be forced to choose, Jackson.’

‘ _What?_   Well… how the darn hell does that work, then? I ain’t leavin’ without you, darlin’.’  

‘Oh  _shush,_  and stop with your damn sweet talking!’

Big Ed laughed and slipped the shotgun out of Homer’s hands, placing his arm around his shoulder, the leather creaking under his grip. ‘Suzie has spoken of your charming, rugged looks, and I admit, she is not wrong! What do you say we stop all this nonsense, and join our gangs? Bring The Plaid Bandits and The Smokey Reapers together, once and for all. And this matter of your wife — respect her wishes, Homer, and if she wants us both?  _Well_ … it’s all free love in The Plaid Bandits.’

The rest of the gang began to relax, sighing with frustration that there would be no blood, turning back to their cards and booze. 

‘I uh…’ Homer scratched his scraggly head, and looked back up at the face of his new partner in crime, who gave him a suggestive wink before outstretching his hand. ‘Ah, to hell with it — sounds like a pretty damn good deal to me!’


End file.
